Til' Then

So me and my friend Brandon, see previous post, were talking this afternoon. After several text messages were sent, I made Brandon vow to invite me to see him walk down the aisle to which he asked the same. At that point in time, I was stuck more in an if mind set than a when. See why after the jump......


Before I had my son, I was all about marriage....obsessed in a way if you will. His father and myself were engaged and in the throws of planning the ceremony to bind us together for life. Soon thereafter, we hit a bumpy patch and I found out I was pregnant just weeks after said speed bump. So for 2 more years, we push through our issues only making our situation worse, but hey we had to right? We did have a child together. I was not happy at all, but knowing that I was giving my son the shot of having both parents in a home, under one roof was enough to make me stifle through the gut renching arguments at 2 in the morning. All until January of 2008, when we both decided enough was enough. It was at this time, that I truly became a single mother. My whole essence was to make up costing my son the one thing that I fought to give him.....a family.

After his father and I broke up, we stayed friends (we are actually better off as this because we both grew alot the 5 years we were together). He went on to do his thing with women (not dating, just getting in where he could fit in) and I went on to adjust to life as a single mom. I had no idea that dating for 2 was so much work. I no longer picked men who would please me...I had to date men that seemed like great male role models and excellent potential husbands. I had men turn their backs because I was a mom...I had one man bluntly tell me, 'I don't do women with kids. I'm not trying to be a daddy for a bastard.'. It actually left me stunned. In my mind, I was wondering in what blue prints of dating single mothers does it say that you have to be a daddy to the children. My son has a father, he doesn't need 2. I just want the man in my life to be influential in his. That wasn't too much to ask...or so I thought.

Next came the man who thought that since I had a son, for which I obviously had to have sex to conceive, that he could openly disrespect me and expected sex after the first date. What University did he graduate from with that logic? That 'match' ended before we even hit the restaurant doors. Then there was the man that threatened me with whooping my child. He hadn't even met him and he was already talking about beating him for things my son wasn't even capable of. In my head, I screamed NEXT...in reality I asked for the check and vamused! Next came the single father of one child, a 14 year old...he was 34, my son's father is 32...what can I say, I like older men! LOL!...,who was looking for a wife. Jackpot right? Wrong! He proposed after we DATED for 6 weeks...it was a gorgeous ring, but I wasn't ready. How could I be? But that wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back...oh no, that straw was me catching him poking holes in condoms in an effort to get me pregnant. After me and Big B (Braylon's dad) broke up, I have always said that I would like one or two more children, but only if I am married. So I guess he figured a bun in the oven=a trip down the aisle. That was the day I said forget it. I gave up on love. I was in love with love, but love was a low down dirty thang who refused to love me back. There were several more dates with other men in between, but those are the ones that stand out the most.

So, since December I have been on a no husband kick of sorts. Getting mine when necessary, but not offering committments. For what? I was sure of that answer until today. Why can't I give love the chance to love me, instead of generalizing all types of love and refusing to see the good that can be if I just opened my eyes and my mind. Most of the type of men I am attracted to view me as damaged goods...a womann that has been hoodwinked. A single mother with a 'bastard' as a child, living off welfare....uneducated, misspoken, ill mannered, dirty, filthy, sex driven, a whore, the list could go on and on. When in actuality, I am none of these things and my son is far from a bastard....well maybe I am sex driven, but I digress! ;) But as I told Brandon, I have to open my eyes and stop letting my preset type get in the way of the perfect type for me. I used to say that I don't have a type, but that was before I realized that I didn't have a type for the type of men I liked. Lesson learned.

So I would like to thank Cupid for sending Brandon to do the dirty work today... I can now say to Brandon, 'WHEN I get married, you will be VIP.'

Til' then,

Ms. Trecie